Well, here goes nothing.  I created this over a month ago an haven't done a single thing with it yet.  I've been procrastinating just like I do with everything else.  Story of my life, right?  Well.  I am starting phase 2 of my diet, so I figured I might as well do this too.  And what do I mean by phase 2 you ask?  Well I went on vacation, and knew I would cheat since this was my last time ever having some of the food back in New Jersey.  I told myself I would gain 10-15 lbs back.  But I wouldn't be upset, this is part of the process to 'fix' my brain and my life.  This was part of my process to make me feel more at 'peace' with doing what I'm doing.  I am very excited about getting the WLS (weight loss surgery) done, but in my mind, I have things I want to do before I get this completed, and having a Jersey trip was part of that. I weigh myself tomorrow to see the damage.  I haven't been back 100% on track since I've been home, so I figured that I wouldn't weigh myself until I was 100% back on the diet, which starts tomorrow. Now, let me fill everyone in on what has been going on (if you're wondering "what is she blabbering about?!")

So, back last November (I think it was November), I brought up to my PCP that I wanted to have gastric bypass done.  Mind you, I'm not really fond of my PCP, but hey she does her job, and I'll prob. look for a new one shortly...but I'm getting off topic...well...lets just say she gave me a mouthful of garbage saying I was not ready for it, and that I'm too immature and I don't know what I'm getting myself into.  So I tried to talk to her about it, and she gave me the run around.  Finally at another checkup a few weeks later, I gained yet again more weight and just broke down in tears in her office.  I explained to her that I cannot lose this much weight by myself, I know what's going to happen, I went through the whole process with my Mother, I know exactly what I am getting myself into.  And with 20 minutes of balling my eyes out, she finally agreed and signed me up for my first class in March.  And goes 'I want you to lose weight before hand'.  Well fast forward to March and with battling hypothyroidism, I had failed in losing weight but in fact gained almost 35lbs putting me over 400lbs.  I was completely mortified. 

400lbs.

Over 400lbs.

I finally hit my rock bottom.  I was embarrassed. Disgusted.  I just couldn't imagine that I would ever be at this point in my life.  The first meeting was just a hey, this is what the surgery is, this is what's going to happen, if you want to continue, let us know.  The 2nd (which was the initial weigh in at over 400lbs) is when we met the group of surgeons, got our education binders, met the nutritionist and also got assigned our doctors.

I told myself that day I was making a change.  I instantly stopped drinking soda and ate no carbs besides what they said we could have.  By the next week, I had already lost 5lbs.This next week, I got to meet my surgeon.  She's wonderful.  My surgeon is Dr. Park.  We had a nice discussion about my weight, I was not judged.  She was actually upset that I let it go this far, but when you do not have insurance that will fully cover it, or a job that will not let you leave that long for surgery, there's not much you can do. Then she told me the news I didn't want to hear.  1) I had a 1-2% chance of dying on the table with the weight I was currently at, which for an elective surgery that is extremely high.  I know that sounds absurd, but it really is.  then the other news... 2) I had to lose 50lbs before they would even consider operating on me.

FIFTY POUNDS.

Me...lose 50lbs?!  I've never lost more than 30, before I would gain 50 back!  How the hell am I supposed to do this. I cried the whole way home.  Well..almost the whole way.  But I have to do this.  I can no longer live a life like this.  I want to be 'normal'.  I have a strict diet to follow, and for the first time in my life, I actually was sticking to it, and doing it.  I'm doing something for myself.  Before my vacation I had actually lost 33lbs.  I know I've gained probably 10, but hey, it's okay.  I will relose it and be closer to my goal.

In the next few blogs I am going to go over the pre-op stage of my WLS.   My meal plan, my list of 100 goals to complete before and after surgery, what to expect, what WLS is, etc.  I am also going to hit the low parts and try to educate others on how it is to be extremely obese.  I don't believe anyone can really gather what it is like.  I will be making some 'dark confessions' of things that I cannot do in everyday life that you would never think of.  Honestly, it's horribly embarrassing to admit these things.  You know how hard it is to tell you I weigh/weighed over 400lbs?  But, this is part of my 'healing' process.  I want to get it out, to get it out, it sort of brings things into reality and makes me want to do more to rid myself of this 'disease'.

I will do this.