Holy Toledo!

Well...as most of you know...

I had my surgery!

I got approved on a Friday, get the call/email to schedule and they go 'can you come in next Wednesday?"

Holy Toledo.

Next Wednesday!?!  So, of course I said yes. Bing, Bang, BOOM, surgery was scheduled. My new life was to start on Oct. 23rd, 2013.

So...I'll give a short little diddle about what went down.  I actually wasn't that nervous.  I was very chill and had my sorts together.   They told me surgery was at 3:30 and to be at St. Mary's at 1:30.  So I'm there a little early, they head me up to one of the prep areas, tell me to get changed and to start doing laps around the hallways every so often since they want you up and moving to increase blood flow before surgery.  So every 30-45 minutes Bryan and I would walk the halls and do 3 laps.  Well...3:30 comes around...and nothing.  So I contact the nurse, who checks on my status and states that they are pushed back at least 2 hours.  So 5:30 comes around...nothing...Well, at this point, I start getting a little sick.  I had a lovely bowel prep the night before (pretty much a colonoscopy prep for those who haven't done that..it's damn near impossible and is TERRIBLE) and nothing to eat or drink this day.  So I tell them to check and see what the time frame is, and if it's not soon to see if I can get some meds in my IV to stop me from throwing up.  They check up on the time...yet again another 2 hours or so.  So they come in, hook me up to fluids along with some nausea medication.  I felt great.  I don't' remember what time they came to pick me up, they put me in the bed, wheeled me down to the 'real' prep room a bunch of people came to talk to me about my procedure, talked to Dr. Rabkin and I was then walking into the surgical center. Hopped up on the table, the strapped me down, and off to dreamland I went.  I went into the operation room around 8pm and was down around 11:30 PM.  In under 4 hours I had 5 different types of surgery.  Appendix and gallbladder removed, stomach surgery, intestinal surgery along with a hernia repair.  All done laparoscopically.  After I woke up from surgery, I have to admit, I was in shock. I have never ever felt that much pain.  It was unbearable.  I'd rather fracture another bone than have to go through that surgery again. They wheeled me upstairs and I was set up in my room.  They highly encourage walking after surgery, so a few hours after surgery I was up and walking around.  I couldn't go far, but it didn't matter.  Walking is key.  I did have one of the best rooms on the floor, a corner unit with a panoramic view of the golden gate.  It was pretty spectacular to see the changes everyday of the city and it's fog habits.

So...I was in the hospital for 4 days, I could have went home after 3 but I was still in a lot of pain and I wanted one more night of pain management.  When I left and came home, I was still in a great amount of pain and was popping my pills every 4-5 hours on the dot.  I've been home for 2ish weeks now and I'm totally off of them.  I dont' really have any pain from the DS surgery, but I definitely do have pain still from the hernia repair.  It sucks.  The thing that hurts the most is actually my belly button.  TMI, but I am even thinking of not wearing underwear for a few days so it doesn't touch my belly button.  That's my only real complaint.

I can actually eat a decent amount of food, as long as I eat really slow.  It can take me up to 1-1.5 hours to complete a cup of beans. My favorite things so far are any type of beans (they really just settle in the tummy so well), anything cold like popsicles and soups. :)  Eggs are okay, cottage cheese, any type of cracker.  Today I actually ate a pot pie, so good!  As of last Weds ( 11/6/13) I actually already lost 18lbs!  18lbs in 2 weeks!  Amazing.

I've had a bit of a rough night tonight.  I am letting my emotions come.  I was warned with your body changing and your hormones, it gets to you.  I found out that a good friend in highschool has passed away, then watching some shows that had mothers in them just made me cry tonight.  My stomach wasn't feeling well since I tried my first homemade protein shake and it just isn't agreeing with me, then my emotions...I had a little bit of a cry tonight.  Had to let it release.  I feel a bit better after a good bowel movement.(haha)

One thing with this surgery...my bowel are definitely not the same, but I  knew this would happen going into the surgery.  The smell of your farts and your poop is like no other.  And I no longer have silent farts, they all sound like a woopie cushion!  So loud...and I have bubble guts all of the time.  It's very weird.

But I have no regrets.  If you have any questions please feel free to msg me on my facebook.  I'm going to leave you with my surgery day photo :)  I can't wait to collect all of the photos up.  I'm taking photos on every 23rd of the month, weighing myself every Weds. 

I can't thank you guys enough for your support, it's so nice to have so many people rooting for me and telling me how much they support my decision.  I am definitely Blessed.

                                                       (you can click on photo to enlarge)

Oh how the time FLIES!

A few of you have been asking for updates-so I gave in :P  I did mention in my first post I am terrible at keeping up with online blogs!  :)

My status= 43 lbs gone! In one week I lost 7lbs!  I couldn't believe it.

I do have a confession-I have 'cheated' in the last few weeks :(  I'm kinda bummed, but it's ok.  I didn't over eat, and it was only one meal in the day, not all day.  I had portion sizes.  I found out that I do not have to reach a certain goal for the surgery that I am going with (I'll explain more further on), so I have been a bit more laxed and just trying not to stress out.  But I also do not want to gain back, thus it has been once a day (not every day) and I do not over eat...well..maybe the once I over ate at Bry and my favorite mexican restaurant...but as I said...that's okay.  I have always felt if you're on a diet, and you do not give into your cravings, in the long run it will not be successful at all.  If I want something, I'll usually let Bryan get it then have a bit.  I do not need the whole thing, and the bite is perfect.  If you train your brain that way...it does work.  It seriously does.  There are a few things that I won't give into though.  1) Soda 2) Pizza 3) Potato Chips  Those three...I can't just have a portion size, I will overeat.   Even if I had will-power...definitely don't think I could. Also, I have been keeping up with my walking, I even did two miles a few days!  That's big for me!

On another note.  I have decided not to go with the RNY surgery.  I am going to be having a procedure done called the 'Duodenal Switch" or the DS.

My surgeon is Dr. Rabkin, located in San Francisco.  www.paclap.com  You can find out all about the surgery there. (in great detail)

A quick summary:

 

It's the gastric sleeve surgery, but along with the sleeve-they actually shorten your intestines.  The outcome of this is, I will lose weight faster as I absorb less calories and will no longer absorb fat.  Another plus, is the long term success rate for this is much higher.  The downfall, I am going to have a really hard time absorbing vitamins.  So for example instead of taking 2 pills a day for a vitamin like I would with RNY I will have to take 3, sometimes 4 pills.  So when it boils down to it, I'll be taking pills every 2-3 hours.  But to me, to weigh less and stay stable that way outweighs the 'chore' of taking pills every few hours.  I'm very excited about this. 

Now my process to get this done:

Tues-Sept 17th I will be going to my official consult with the surgeon.  After this, he will tell me all of my prestesting that needs to be done.  Things like bloodwork-ekg-stress test-ultrasounds, etc.  Once I have been cleared for surgery, then...it's scheduled!  I  am starting on Weds and bugging my dr every day until she schedules everything (everything is referral based, so I cannot schedule.  Dammit)

On a side not, to refer back to the last blog, Goals.  I have started a smashbook to help me stay motivated on my journey.  Let me tell you how much fun I am having with it!  You can get them cheaper on Walmart-they are currently having some of them on sale for $5!  I have now started one for crafting- one for Post op tracking and more.  I have 2 more blank ones that I bought for backups in case I figure out what to do!  Perhaps for my  next blog I will post some photos of the smashbooks.  :)

Thanks everyone for the support, this journey is so exciting.

Little bit of this and a little bit of that.

Well, I want to start off todays blog with the topic of goals.

As part of my transition, my facility suggested that we all make a list of 100 pre and post op goals. (Both combined on one page mind you)  I definitely struggled to do this.  I tried to do this by myself and sort of be alone since, I really didn't want anyone to see me crying.  The more I put this stuff on paper, the more real it became.  Many of you who have not had weight problems, do not realize how much it suffocates you.  It makes you not be able to have a full life.  You cannot do the things that you want to do, do the things you'd think you'd enjoy.  You just don't get the whole life that you feel like you deserve.  I love nature, I love outdoors.  But how can I enjoy it if I'm just sitting down since I can't walk a million miles or hike without wanting to keel over or vomit?  How can I enjoy seeing new places or adventures when all I'm worried about is if I'll be able to fit in places, like tables-chairs-doorways, etc.  When you're this obese, you HAVE to think of these things.  I've passed out dinner dates with people since I know I would be too embarresed to have to ask for a table since I didn't want to worry or not that I would actually fit inside of a booth.  Going to movies is sometimes unnerving, can't go to baseball games, concerts, anything that's fun!  I was so scared when Diane wanted to go to the baseball game as her bachlorette's party, since I was worried there would be so many people in the row, that I would be on top of them.  Thank goodness the seats in the new stadium were awesome, I got super lucky. 

I think a great mind blower was to write down those goals.  No matter how ridiculous they seemed, no matter how embarrassing they were, write them down and stare at them straight in the face.  Just a few goals:

Buy a pinup dress and do a photoshoot

Be able to get off of the floor without mooning everyone

Be able to tie your shoes without sitting down

Being able to sit in an airplane without a seatbelt extender

Those are just a few. There are so many more that I want to accomplish. And I will.  I'm very excited about this new chapter that is arising.

Now, for a quick update on my journey- On vacation I gained 7.5lbs.  I have to say, I've already lost 4!  I'm almost back to where I was.  Also, I bought a pair of jeans for vacation and couldn't put them on, but last week I put them on, and I can button them without even laying down.  I gained weight, but my body changed and I definitely feel a little thinner.  I'll definitely take that.   This weekend I am going to make some 'weight loss marble jars'.  I think it'll be awesome to see what I've done so far and how much I have to go.

Example: http://hotmessprincess.com/2012/01/motivation-marbles/


I also want to share a story, that I didnt' share with anyone when it happened since I was so upset. But I want to get it off of my chest.  While on vacation I had a bad 'episode'.  Missy was there with me, and she saw how horrifying it was.  I can't wait until this is a part of my past. 

I'm just writing this to end my blog for today, I thought it was fitting for my topic of goals. This is an example of how difficult it can be being obese.  I honestly think it's a disease and a disability to a point.  Most of you just don't understand.  Here is what happened, I did copy/paste this from a WLS group that I confessed this too, I needed someone who understood to talk to:

"I had a little 'episode' this weekend that made me a bit upset/depressed and I thought I would share it with people that understand to get it off of my chest. I'm still pre-op and weight close to 400lbs. So obviously I'm a big girl. While a friend and I made a trip to a little town to do some souvenier shopping, we were in a gift shop and this family of 2 parents and 4 kids walk by. The kids stop to look at some stuff, and the parents continued to walk a little further. At this point, my friend and I walk past the kids and one of their youngest kids (prob 5-7 yrs old) screams 'omg you're fat' then continues to yell to his mother down the store 'mom! Mom'! This girl is really really fat! Look mom! Mom she's really really fat." I just stop dead in my tracks looking at the Mother who is not paying attention to her child and he is hollering, calling me fat and pointing at me like I'm a side show freak. Yes...I know it's a kid but the mother didn't even stop him. After a FEW MINUTES, of him repeating that I'm fat and pointing, I finally got angry and go 'Excuse me, can you please tell your child to stop' in which she looked at me like I had seven heads and goes 'um...what is he even saying!" So I said he keeps yelling and calling me fat, to which she replied 'did he really say that' and she asked the kid and he goes 'yes mom, she's really fat, look at her!'

So what does the mom do? She rolls her eyes, and goes 'hunny that's not nice to say, don't say that' then walks away, didn't even apologize for her wretched kid. I got a bit angry after that and I yelled "I know I'm fat, doesn't mean that I have to be reminded" She still didn't say anything, just kept walking. I was so mortified. I wanted to cry, but I kept my cool. The friend I was with, almost beat the lady, but she knew I was upset and didn't want to cause anymore of a scene.

Sorry this was long, but I just wanted to share. I can't wait to get the surgery. No more pain from the weight, and hopefully no more embarrassing episodes like this one."

Well, here goes nothing.  I created this over a month ago an haven't done a single thing with it yet.  I've been procrastinating just like I do with everything else.  Story of my life, right?  Well.  I am starting phase 2 of my diet, so I figured I might as well do this too.  And what do I mean by phase 2 you ask?  Well I went on vacation, and knew I would cheat since this was my last time ever having some of the food back in New Jersey.  I told myself I would gain 10-15 lbs back.  But I wouldn't be upset, this is part of the process to 'fix' my brain and my life.  This was part of my process to make me feel more at 'peace' with doing what I'm doing.  I am very excited about getting the WLS (weight loss surgery) done, but in my mind, I have things I want to do before I get this completed, and having a Jersey trip was part of that. I weigh myself tomorrow to see the damage.  I haven't been back 100% on track since I've been home, so I figured that I wouldn't weigh myself until I was 100% back on the diet, which starts tomorrow. Now, let me fill everyone in on what has been going on (if you're wondering "what is she blabbering about?!")

So, back last November (I think it was November), I brought up to my PCP that I wanted to have gastric bypass done.  Mind you, I'm not really fond of my PCP, but hey she does her job, and I'll prob. look for a new one shortly...but I'm getting off topic...well...lets just say she gave me a mouthful of garbage saying I was not ready for it, and that I'm too immature and I don't know what I'm getting myself into.  So I tried to talk to her about it, and she gave me the run around.  Finally at another checkup a few weeks later, I gained yet again more weight and just broke down in tears in her office.  I explained to her that I cannot lose this much weight by myself, I know what's going to happen, I went through the whole process with my Mother, I know exactly what I am getting myself into.  And with 20 minutes of balling my eyes out, she finally agreed and signed me up for my first class in March.  And goes 'I want you to lose weight before hand'.  Well fast forward to March and with battling hypothyroidism, I had failed in losing weight but in fact gained almost 35lbs putting me over 400lbs.  I was completely mortified. 

400lbs.

Over 400lbs.

I finally hit my rock bottom.  I was embarrassed. Disgusted.  I just couldn't imagine that I would ever be at this point in my life.  The first meeting was just a hey, this is what the surgery is, this is what's going to happen, if you want to continue, let us know.  The 2nd (which was the initial weigh in at over 400lbs) is when we met the group of surgeons, got our education binders, met the nutritionist and also got assigned our doctors.

I told myself that day I was making a change.  I instantly stopped drinking soda and ate no carbs besides what they said we could have.  By the next week, I had already lost 5lbs.This next week, I got to meet my surgeon.  She's wonderful.  My surgeon is Dr. Park.  We had a nice discussion about my weight, I was not judged.  She was actually upset that I let it go this far, but when you do not have insurance that will fully cover it, or a job that will not let you leave that long for surgery, there's not much you can do. Then she told me the news I didn't want to hear.  1) I had a 1-2% chance of dying on the table with the weight I was currently at, which for an elective surgery that is extremely high.  I know that sounds absurd, but it really is.  then the other news... 2) I had to lose 50lbs before they would even consider operating on me.

FIFTY POUNDS.

Me...lose 50lbs?!  I've never lost more than 30, before I would gain 50 back!  How the hell am I supposed to do this. I cried the whole way home.  Well..almost the whole way.  But I have to do this.  I can no longer live a life like this.  I want to be 'normal'.  I have a strict diet to follow, and for the first time in my life, I actually was sticking to it, and doing it.  I'm doing something for myself.  Before my vacation I had actually lost 33lbs.  I know I've gained probably 10, but hey, it's okay.  I will relose it and be closer to my goal.

In the next few blogs I am going to go over the pre-op stage of my WLS.   My meal plan, my list of 100 goals to complete before and after surgery, what to expect, what WLS is, etc.  I am also going to hit the low parts and try to educate others on how it is to be extremely obese.  I don't believe anyone can really gather what it is like.  I will be making some 'dark confessions' of things that I cannot do in everyday life that you would never think of.  Honestly, it's horribly embarrassing to admit these things.  You know how hard it is to tell you I weigh/weighed over 400lbs?  But, this is part of my 'healing' process.  I want to get it out, to get it out, it sort of brings things into reality and makes me want to do more to rid myself of this 'disease'.

I will do this.